Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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