she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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