Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
