you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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