Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
