Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
