I faked an abortion last night.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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