Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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