Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
