just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
