Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
My vagina just recognized that song.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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