My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
