WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
