That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
