I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
