May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
