It's like God shit irony all over that family
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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