Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
