ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm always down for nudity.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
