good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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