just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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