I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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