Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
