I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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