and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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