We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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