Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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