I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
