I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Randomize
