Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
