the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
