how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
the condom got lost in my hair
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
