its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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