two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
