i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
