A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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