mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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