The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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