I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
If I die, sorry about rent.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
