I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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