I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
