my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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