turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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