I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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