why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
