We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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