she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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