I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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