Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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