You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
