Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
