At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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