She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
