My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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