We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
