It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
