it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
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